Are You The Good Kind of Difficult?

What if I told you that I want you to be difficult?

You might be thinking “the last thing this planet needs is ANOTHER difficult person,” but I’d like to challenge your concept of what “difficult” truly means. What if we defined being difficult as reacting honestly, tuning in deeply to your emotions, and speaking up when necessary?

To be clear, “being difficult” as I am defining it doesn’t mean creating unnecessary problems, it means confronting issues head-on. Being difficult isn’t an excuse for indulging in unproductive, needlessly hurtful, or abusive behaviors, it means calling out the bad behavior when you see it. It means expressing and clarifying your needs and desires, even when someone else does not want to hear it. And it means setting boundaries, first with yourself, then with others, of what you will and won’t put up with from others in your life, even if it means walking away from the relationship.

The scenarios presented in this quiz will help you take a hard look at your reactions to see where you land on the difficult scale. It should only take about 10 minutes, and I’ll give you some tips on how to embrace truly being difficult.

1. Your partner was laid off and decided they’d use the time to finally write their screenplay. Six months later, you’re coming home to a depressed partner and an unkept apartment; your savings have dwindled to nothing and no screenplay has materialized. What do you do?

Sit your partner down and tell them you have something to say that you know will be difficult to hear. Say, “I want to support you, but this situation isn’t working for me. I need you to get help for your depression, contribute financially, and pursue your dreams in ways that don't compromise our life together."

Stop speaking to your partner altogether. When they ask what’s going on, you explode with anger.

Ask, "How can I better support you?” Assume total responsibility for supporting the household. Don’t say a word about your own anxiety and exhaustion because you don’t want to make your partner feel inadequate.

2. When the position to head your team at work opens up, you apply for the role, which you feel you are especially qualified for. Your friend and colleague also applies and is chosen for the role.

You congratulate your colleague on the new position. You set up a meeting with your manager to better understand the decision-making that went into the hiring decision. You say you are disappointed not to get the job and would like input on how to best position yourself for success the next time a position opens up. You support your friend in their new role while honing your skills and stay on the lookout for jobs where there is room for advancement.

You claim you are thrilled and share with the team that you believe your colleague will do a much better job than you ever could. You catalog your shortcomings and conclude that you’re not really leadership material anyway. The next time a position opens, you don’t apply, convincing yourself you are happy where you are.

You skip the meeting where your colleague is introduced as the new manager. You ice them out completely, pointedly ignoring them. You loudly complain about any perceived missteps and work to cultivate an image of your colleague as clueless and incompetent.

3. It’s Friday night and you and your partner are at a party. Midway through the evening your partner’s ex shows up. They spend the rest of the night talking and laughing, excluding you and everyone else at the party. You feel embarrassed, jealous, and ignored.

On the way home, when your partner asks if you had a good time, you answer brightly, “It was great!” You work to convince yourself that you’re just being jealous, and that’s your fault. You chide yourself for your feelings of vulnerability.

You have too much to drink, and start flirting with everyone at the party. When your partner is ready to leave, you tell them to go ahead, you’ll get a ride home with someone else. You behave coldly for the rest of the weekend, refusing to say why.

The party stopped being fun for you, so you tell your partner you’re ready to go home. In the car, you tell them how embarrassed and angry you feel and start to cry out of frustration. You say, “I don’t think I can have a productive conversation. I’m going to bed and we can talk about it in the morning.” The next day you regroup, talk about what happened and set expectations for situations that might come up in the future.

4. Your teenager, a gifted and serious pianist, announces they want to quit playing to spend more time with friends. This decision blindsides you.

You respond furiously, complaining about the years of sacrifice you have made for their musical career. You say you aren’t paying one dime towards college since they’ve blown any chance of a music scholarship.

Even though you’re afraid they’ll regret this decision, you say breezily, “No problem!” You aren’t one of those type “A” parents, after all. You and your teenager are friends.

You tell them you’re surprised at this decision and ask them to help you understand their thinking on this. You tell your teenager that the decision is ultimately theirs, and you’ll support whatever decision they make but it needs to be made thoughtfully.

5. Your assistant at work has been increasingly slacking off, making avoidable errors and being uncommunicative.

You say, “Where is your head? Do you even want to be here? Because if you don’t, you can just get out right now.”

Say, “We need to talk about some problems I’ve noticed recently. Important things are being missed, and I don’t feel like we’re on the same page. Here is what I need from you. If there are obstacles to making this happen, I want to hear about them so we can move forward productively.”

Say nothing and take on more work yourself. When the assistant applies for a new job and asks for a recommendation, instead of answering truthfully that you can’t, in good conscience, give a positive review, you simply don’t return the call of the potential new employer.

6. Your partner has taken up long distance cycling to relieve stress and now spends all day every weekend on 8-hour bike rides while you manage your three young children.

When your partner’s getting ready to leave, you show him your anger by snapping at him and banging pots and pans around as you make breakfast. When they walk in the door after the ride, you lash out seemingly out of nowhere.

Say nothing directly to your partner but complain to friends about how much you hate to be on your own all weekend. Occasionally comments to your kids that your partner “needs lots of breaks from us. They think riding their bike is better than doing things as a family,” slip out.

After the kids have gone to bed one night, you tell your partner you want to talk. You say, “We’re not at a time in our lives when either of us can take up a hobby that abandons the other person every weekend. I’m feeling resentful, and this has to change.”

7. Your child, a freshman in college, is failing all their classes. You have a distinct suspicion that they have been partying and skipping classes.

Say “You are lazy and immature. You have cost us tens of thousands of dollars, and for what? So you can get drunk every night and then play video games all day?”

You blame yourself for not doing a better job raising your child. You sink into a funk imagining that they will never get their act together and that it’s too late for them to turn their life around.

Say "You are failing out of college. This is a very big deal. You either need to take your education seriously or if you don’t feel able to handle your academics, then you should withdraw and get a job until you’re ready. It’s up to you, but there is no third option here.”

8. You and your partner are expecting your first baby. Your mother-in-law, an interior designer, is expecting to decorate the nursery. You prefer a simple, low-key aesthetic, and the frilly, old-fashioned designs favored by your mother-in-law made you cringe. What do you do?

You go ahead and let her decorate the nursery. You ooh and ahh over lace crib skirts and Victorian-style mobiles. You wish you could be more assertive.

You say, “You have terrible taste and I hate everything you pick out.”

You say, “I have my own ideas for the nursery, and it’s important to me it goes along with the rest of our house. I’m going to register for the things I like, and I hope you’ll stick to those items.”

9. You have a longtime friend who is funny, warm, and smart. You just love her. She’s also scattered and often cancels plans at the last minute or shows up late. This didn’t bother you when you were younger, but now your free time is precious, and your frustration is rising.

Ice her out. You don’t have time for people who disrespect you.

The next time you make plans say, “I love you, and our friendship means a lot to me. But when we make plans, I’m never sure if you’re going to cancel or show up late. Honestly, I’m getting irritated. I want you to make a better effort.”

Don’t say anything. She’s always been like this. You should have said something years ago, but it’s too late now.

10. Your partner invites the in-laws for dinner at your house without discussing it with you first. It sounds like they’ll be here in a few hours!

You’re clearly upset, and express your frustration to your partner. They clean the house while you get dinner together. At the end of the night, you talk about why these things are important to plan together.

This is not something you wanted to do. You are resistant to talking and stay at a distance for the evening.

Maybe you can make a quick trip to the grocery store and cook dinner before they get here!

ALL DONE!
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